Friendships Support Long Term Relationships
Many couples begin their journey supported by a circle of family and friends. They may have originally met through an introduction by a common friend. They may have been co-workers and share a group of work colleagues. They may have attended the same school, been raised in the same town, or belong to a common church.
early days
This group from which the couple springs is often an important support system in the early months and years of the relationship. The common social group provides ways for the couple to socialize with other couples as well as a group of individuals with knowledge of the history of the relationship who can provide support for it to grow. This same group often celebrates the formalizing of the bond through some sort of ceremony and thereafter helps in times of difficulty.
For each partner, enjoying other nourishing and supportive relationships with friends and family takes the pressure off the relationship to meet all of each partner’s needs and can thereby lend strength and support to the marital bond. Often it is fairly easy to maintain these friendships and connections during the early stages of the relationship.
the middle years
Gradually, though, the demands of careers, a need to balance contact with both sides of the extended family, as well as the important time invested in creating a home and life together start to encroach upon the time available to socialize. Plans somehow never get made or may be cancelled last minute one too many times. Often, many couples find themselves eventually somewhat isolated. This may happen gradually. The couple may be so happy together that they hardly notice what is happening or, if they do, they may believe all they need is each other.
Starting a family can create a greater investment in the world of “just us,” as the couple focuses even more upon the children and their needs. Coffee dates just don’t seem to be compatible with the baby’s schedule. The disrupted sleep that goes hand in hand with having young children in the home can make going out to socialize seem less and less appealing over time. Friends who have stayed in the picture up until this point often start to feel neglected and check in less often. Fortunately, around this same time new parenting companions emerge and form a different support system that is founded more upon the shared experience of having and raising children. The weeks and years pass by with these parenting companions fulfilling much of the social needs for many couples. As the children grow, these friendships may at times become very strong.
mature coupling
Before long, though, the children are starting their own lives as young adults. Many couples find themselves needing to re-establish a social network at this time. For some, the parenting companions provide a start. However, unless there are established adult interests, in addition to the shared children’s interests that bind the couple to these companions, gradually the parenting companions tend to drift away in different directions.
The rising Gray Divorce trend bears witness to the instability of many marriages at this time of the empty nest. Some couples arrive at retirement and are stunned to realize that they have invested so little time in maintaining their relationship while raising the children, that they have little in common and little desire to stay together. It is also true that women today are often not as financially dependent upon their partners; they have spent years working and building their own financial resources. The reality is that the comparative lack of societal stigma about divorce makes this pathway more attractive than it was in prior generations.
All of us behooves us to pay attention sooner by maintaining connections with old friends, finding common ground with parenting companions and making new couple friends who share hobbies and other interests are a necessary part of a good marriage. These social connections provide essential emotional support for each partner in the relationship. While couple friends may evolve and change over time, they are an important element to staying together over the years. Finding a couples therapist before the distance has grown too great is an important deterrent to becoming part of the statistics.