Frequently I hear complaints that one person in a couple relationship is “emotionally unavailable.” But what does it mean, anyway, to be emotionally available to another person? Turns out, it’s actually critical to creating a satisfying intimate relationship with another. It’s the ability to connect on an emotional level with another person and then keep the connection going over time to create intimacy. Without this building block for connection, love cannot grow. Appreciation and respect, maybe, but not love.
Being emotionally available starts with being able to express feelings appropriately. There’s a wide range in the ways in which we, as humans experience and express emotions. The development of a “feelings vocabulary” is an important fundamental step towards being emotional available. Having this vocabulary enables you to identify and label the emotion that you are experiencing for both yourself and others. An emotionally available person is then able to take it to the next level: to express the emotion to others in a way that matches the situation. Rather than existing in the polar extremes of overly expressive or closed down, an emotionally available person has the right pace and pitch. They neither withhold emotional experience nor spew it wildly upon those around them.
Emotionally available people also have good personal boundaries. They value their own thoughts and opinions, and apply this same respect to others’ thoughts and opinions. Emotionally available people instinctively know with whom they should share personal information. They have the timing down on when this is appropriate – and when it’s not. They can accept someone saying “no” to a request they have made without feeling personally rejected. Because they feel secure with the boundaries in their relationships, emotionally available people can take calculated risks with their feelings.
The capacity to be measured in responses to others and maintain good personal boundaries helps emotionally available people sustain friendships and family relationships. These connections provide valuable opportunities to learn before entering the more challenging territory of intimate partnerships. Emotionally available people can invest in others. They can listen to others’ experience and empathize without getting lost in or adopting the other person’s emotional experience as their own. Being able to listen to and hear others also helps emotionally available people work through problems as they arise in their relationships.
Emotionally available people can trust others. They are able to share their feelings with others without feeling threatened and insecure. An emotionally available person is open without being needy. They are present. They can give to and receive from others as the situation warrants.
People who are available emotionally have the capacity to discern who is worthy knowing their vulnerabilities and sensitivities. They are able to allow these selected others to see them as they truly are. They know how to use their personal boundaries to let in people who are good for them mentally, physically and emotionally – while keeping a respectful distance from those who present with red flags that would indicate potential emotional harm.
That’s not to imply that emotionally available people shy away from all difficulty. If there is an issue that needs discussion, emotionally available people are willing to face it. Stonewalling and defensiveness to avoid discussing the real issues are not an option. Getting to the root of the concern is considered important. There is a willingness to give generously whatever time, energy and effort is necessary to move things along in a positive direction in the relationship.
Clearly being emotionally entails lots of things. It’s all about balance: Internal vs. external, others needs vs. one’s own needs, putting forth energy and emotion vs. maintaining appropriate personal boundaries. And the reward is great: strong, vibrant, loving connections with others.