Relationships bring some of the happiest and most difficult moments into our lives. Family members give us our initial place in the world. Throughout our lives, whether we like the family we were born into or think we would prefer another, our family relationships remain a root from which we spring and to which we can always return. If we are lucky, these family bonds create a solid template for healthy relationships that serve us for the rest of our lives. However, sometimes even when we are this lucky, family relationships can still have challenging points. We are too alike, or too different. We share common views, or we don’t. Our goals jive, or they diverge.
We take pleasure in being able to choose our friends, sometimes thinking that we can do better than the forces of nature in attracting folks who will do better by us, or suit us better, or simply be better for us. Sometimes this is true. Some of us have life-long friends who always seem to know how to do the right thing and be with us through even our darkest moments. Most often, though, friends are again a mixed bag. Some people we choose for ourselves turn out to be a better match than family members – at least for a little while. But many of our friends turn out to be friends for a reason - because we share an experience like school, work, or a neighborhood. And other friends, over time, prove to be friends for a season. They move on to another job, another city – or another friend. And we are left.
Many of us also dream of forming strong bonds with intimate partners. We often idealize these relationships easily in the beginning, thinking that this new amazing person is going to make everything right in our world. As the relationship continues, we find the dream often does not become the reality. There are challenges and set-backs. Sometimes these can be worked out. Other times the difficulties that have emerged are so insurmountable, the safety of one or both people so compromised, that there is no other option but to cut and run.
Regardless of whether our relationship difficulties lie with family members, friends or intimate partners, these moments challenge us greatly. We may communicate the threat that these difficulties pose to our sense of self through confrontation, passive aggression, withdrawal or flight. When the situation leading to the difficulty has been going on for a while, it may be helpful to think about what we talk about in the relationships that challenge us in terms of future, present and past.
If things are truly dicey, it is unlikely that either person will be wanting to share their future hopes, dreams and desires. This would require too much vulnerability. So, if the waters are murky, it may be best not to inquire about what is planned for the summer, next week or next year.
There may be strong temptation to dive right in and try to resolve the source of difficulty by talking through the past. If one person feels wronged by the other, certainly an attempt should be made to have a conversation as soon thereafter as possible. An apology may be deemed necessary to move forward, but may not come as easily or fully as desired. Unwanted explanations may be provided. The going can be rough. If both people are able to listen fully to each other, look at their role in the situation, and accept responsibility for their part in the past difficulty, it is possible that a discussion about the past will help to not only heal the hurts but also bring a closer bond.
However, where time has passed, when an effort to talk things through has only led to further conflict, or if discussion about the past has been otherwise unfruitful, in my experience this may not be the best initial route forward. In this instance, assuming both people value the relationship enough to try to keep it alive, I find that it may be best to “stick a pin in the past” and focus instead upon present-focused conversations and experiences that rebuild trust and good-will. The hope would be that, by putting in concerted effort, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, seeing the positive over the negative, and agreeing to disagree in the present, it may eventually be possible to work through the issues of the past. Or not. Because, quite possibly, as each person comes to know the other anew in the present, it may become less and less important to revisit things that cannot be undone. Sometimes the past can be just that. The past.