As social distancing stretches into months, not just weeks, it’s starting to feel like the new “normal.” We are all settling into patterns for our days. If we are lucky, we still have work. We may have online learning for ourselves or our children that is keeping us busy. Or maybe a job search, a new foreign language or a supportive task like mask-making is filling some time.
We are all challenged with this unanticipated series of events. We all worry about things like toilet paper and supermarket runs, which were barely a concern in the past. We all have worries about staying healthy – and alive – for ourselves and our loved ones. We all struggle with the uncertainty of not knowing how long the stay at home orders will last and what the future will look like when we do get to go out again.
All couples who are sheltering in place together are spending A LOT of time together. Some of this time is going well. And some of this time is not going so well. The couples that I am finding to be struggling most consistently day-to-day are those with young children in the home. COVID 19 is forcing everyone in the family – and the couple – to be together way past the average person’s tolerance level for togetherness. Taking care of your own needs is hard enough. But with children clamoring for your attention too, you start to wear thin pretty quickly.
Add one or both parents attempting to work remotely, and the stress level mounts significantly. Frankly, there’s just not much time, energy or desire left for the couple relationship – which is the foundation for the entire system. Things reach the boiling point faster. Little things multiply quickly into bigger things. Consistent areas of annoyance are more irritating. There’s bickering about how to do this or that more efficiently. Tempers flare. Voices raise. Everything that needs to be done, every day, to keep all members of the family seems like MORE.
So what to do about this? Most of the usual options for calming down – staying later at the office, getting a glass or wine or coffee with a friend, taking a spin through the mall – are not options. I have a few ideas to share.
Whether you’ve delegated a task or someone miraculously stepped up, exercise restraint. Unless what is happening truly duplicates prior effort or threatens safety, let your partner and the children problem solve on their own. (Hell, it’s educational!) If it’s a different way, even if it’s not working at first, stand back. Wait to be asked for input. The children may be accustomed to having things done a certain way. But at some point in their lives they will encounter different ways of doing those very same things. Start building flexibility and resilience now.
Be mindful of the big ears around you when you and your partner are “discussing” adult-level matters. Those ears are actively looking for something to do. Even is you’re bursting with indignation and frustration, refrain as much as you can from bickering in front of the children and, at the very least, keep a lid on demeaning your partner as a person or parent in front of the children. They’re watching you and learning from you how to treat others – including, eventually, you. Model behavior that you would like the children to emulate.
Accept that things are not going to be the way they were, the way you would prefer, and that you may not be able to attain new levels of mastery over daily home management and parenting even though it seems like, with all this time at home, this should be possible. Notice and label your frustrations. Define the triggers and problem solve how to minimize or avoid them in the future. Places to start may be checking on your own level of hunger, loneliness, exhaustion. Console yourself with the knowledge that the negative feelings you are having will pass. And cut yourself some slack. You’re doing your best. That’s all anyone can do, especially in these trying times.