As we all know, intimacy is the hallmark of the couple relationship. Without this, partners are mere acquaintances, even if they share a bed and home. Sex comes immediately to mind for many upon mention of the word, “intimacy.” Clearly intimacy is so much more. It encompasses, at a minimum, the emotional, intellectual, experiential, spiritual and physical aspects of the couple relationship.
But let’s stay for a moment with those physical aspects of intimacy. Touch – actual physical contact with the other – is a critical element of this form of intimacy. In The Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman calls out touch as one of five primary ways that romantic partners feel loved by each other and show love for each other. For someone whose primary love language is touch, physical expressions of love carry more weight – and have more of an impact upon both the individual’s well-being and the individual’s perception of the overall health of the relationship – than even loving words.
Love languages such as touch do not have limited application to romantic relationships. Touch, as a manifestation of love, is present in all of our relationships with family and friends. The form of the touch is just normatively not sexualized in these other relationships. Rather, the touch may come in the form of a hug, a handshake or a pat on the back.
From the time we enter the world as babies touch is a way that we learn about the world around us. All babies have some need to be touched and held; they suffer from neglect and attachment disorders without this physical experience of others. As children grow, the type and quantity of touch that they need in order to be reassured may vary. However, generally there is some need for this physical experience in the world. For single adults who have a primary need to feel loved and cared for through touch, lonely stretches between relationships can be particularly difficult. They may seek out ways to have these needs met through massage or, perhaps more commonly, be more prone to seek casual intimate partners or stay in unhealthy relationships if their need for touch is still satisfied.
As the coronavirus surges again and we weigh the relative risks of getting out in various social settings, touch remains elusive for anyone who is not in our “social distance bubble.” Contactless technology is in accelerating. Receiving meals and cocktails curbside in a freshly folded brown bags seems normal. We’re standing behind plexiglass while glove-covered clerks ring up our retail purchases without a second thought. And for those of us who are still employed, in many cases we’ve adjusted to the long days of Zoom to the point where going to an office seems unnecessary.
So will we ever “touch” again? Some frontline health care workers left the family “bubble” weeks ago in order to protect the health and welfare of other members of the household. It’s now been a lot of days without a hug or kiss at the end of the workday, or the simple comfort of another warm body on the other side of the bed. Even within our “bubbles,” there may be dissension concerning how much risk is too much. This divides partners and drives them to spend significant periods of time in separate areas of the residence. If someone in the household engages in an activity with too much perceived risk – possibly involving touch – that family member may be effectively isolated within the home on a two week quarantine.
These circumstances may be particularly challenging in situations where one or both partners has a primary need to feel loved and to show love through touch. The loneliness may be too much to bear. Resentment and anger may creep in. Small grievances may grow larger after spending more time than usual together – and the primary need of touch still going unmet.
One day, an email may appear from an old friend who has a bit of extra time in his or her COVID 19 “bubble.” Or that extra time laying around the house may allow – or lead – a partner who feels physically abandoned in COVID 19 loneliness to seek solace online. It’s just so easy. The potential is at our fingertips, with range to touch, at every moment of every day.