You and your partner may have been dating, possibly living together for months or even years. Quite likely, you have been presenting publicly as “together” even if there has been no formal wedding ceremony or exchange of vows and rings. Whether or not each of you wanted to have a children was likely discussed at some point earlier in your courtship. And yet, you may still find yourselves undecided about what happens next. You question: Do we want children? Should we start a family?
There was a time when we did not have the luxury of these questions. Children naturally followed from formal marriage. Birth control was either unavailable or not practiced. Religious factors may have entered into this “non-decision” to procreate without regard for timing or cost. But either way there was a predictable – and nearly automatic trajectory: birth, marriage, parenting, death.
Today, questions about whether to have children, what the time frame should be, and whether you can even afford these children you desire seem to burden many young couples. Active contemplation of these issues is common, rather than an exception reserved for those who do not encounter immediate success in conceiving a child. Some couples may, after revisiting these questions about having children, find themselves even questioning their union. Embarking upon the process of “trying” to have children is fraught with anxiety,
Some people – men and women alike – know from a young age that they want to be parents. There is no question in their minds. It’s like having a family is build into their DNA. Ironically, and somewhat tragically, it is these very same people who will also talk about difficulty finding a special someone, who seem to endure fertility struggles and miscarriage mayhem, and who sometimes ultimately find themselves, past the child-bearing years, without a partner and childless.
However, there is another group of young couples who come to me struggling with the decision of whether or not to have a family. Having children, to them is a huge commitment of time, energy and resources that could otherwise be devoted to the many other things that they enjoy about life. These couples are reluctant to “lose” these other interests to parenting. Having children is seen as positive, but also as a sacrifice: other things have to yield or be given up.
Then there’s the uncertainty of the world into which these children would be born. I hear concerns about the environment and what the world will be like when their potential children become adults. I hear questions about what kind of world they will be leaving their children upon their own death. These couples seem focused on things like climate change and terrorism as potential impediments to bringing new life into the world. And why wouldn’t they be: most, if not all, of these couples witnessed 9-11 during their own childhoods. They have only known a world where school shootings are broadcast on the news with alarming regularity. They have been schooled in the importance of assuring personal safety and being mindful of those around them.
Finances loom large in the equation. The generation of potential parents right now talks about debt on credit cards and school loans. They hear the generation before them talking about paying off their own student loans just as they are about to send their own children off to college. The dollar signs associated with having a child scan top these young couples cold. They are not sure they will be able to provide a reasonable home, in a decent school district, in an area where they want to set down roots.
These doubts and concerns have no easy answers. Couples today must rise about the questions and take on the challenge of building the family life that they imagine. Despite the uncertainties, remaining hopeful and positive can help.