As we all know, technology is everywhere these days. We are slaves to our phones, laptops, Alexas and navigation systems. In recent weeks and months, I’ve been hearing about a number of ways that technology is part of relationships. And it’s left me wondering to what extent intimacy is being compromised.
Let’s start with the obvious. Many of us may be familiar with the “Put Down Your Phone” campaign. And not surprisingly, the phone can be an ever-present impediment to being fully present in the day-to-day interactions which build a relationship. When your partner is talking and you are busy checking Twitter or Facebook, there’s a high probability that your partner is not going to feel heard and understood by you. The skill of fully listening to one another is a lost art. But it’s fundamental to creating intimacy.
Your partner may have different ideas about how technology should be introduced to the children. One partner may favor a more organic, nature-focused approach to parenting and child development while the other may be in a hurry to introduce all the cool new educational things that technology purportedly can provide better – and faster. You may find yourself at odds as a couple, needing to reach agreement about the role that technology is going to play in your joint parenting style.
The phone also opens the door to temptation. It’s just so easy. And so accessible. No longer limited to Ashley Madison, a committed partner with a “wandering eye” can venture onto Bumble, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, etc, etc. Change your passcode, close down notifications and you’re one step closer to an afternoon dalliance or new companion on your next business trip. This makes me question: Should your partner have free access to your phone? Does the answer to this question vary if you utilize your phone for business as well as personal needs? If you have a pass code on your phone, at what point in your relationship - possibly for the sake of transparency and intimacy - do your share your pass code with your partner? And if you change the pass code for some innocuous reason, do you have an obligation to inform your partner right away in the name of maintaining the relationship?
On the flip side, if you are tech savvy – or merely the person who pays the joint bill – the phone can be a way to keep tabs on your partner. When does reviewing the joint bill cross the line into the realm of controlling or stalking your partner, ie. using the phone bill to track who your partner is talking to instead of you and when this is happening?
Moving beyond the phone, what about the cameras in your joint residence. I’m not talking about that nanny cam that you both agreed to install so you could check up on the dog. I’m talking about that other one your partner doesn’t know about in the bedroom. The one that reassures you that there’s no funny business going down whenever you get a little insecure about the relationship. The camera that saves you from having to be vulnerable with your partner and talk about how you’ve been feeling disconnected lately, how you’re wondering why you haven’t had sex in a while. The camera memory shows no evidence of hanky-panky. The phone bill shows no unusual calling patterns. Your flip through your partner’s phone shows no new apps, nothing particularly different. So you just sit back and say nothing.
And what about Alexa. Just sitting there quietly in the corner, taking it all in. Should that be a concern?
I guess my answer, is yes all of these things are concerning. It seems to me that all of them interfere with the basics: honoring commitment once made and trusting your partner to do the same. And it seems to me, however ironically, that talking about technology may be a critical component of good communication in your relationship.