Loss of the Self in Early Motherhood
For some women, becoming a mother sneaks up and enters as a second thought only after marriage or once menopause starts to loom. For others, becoming a mother has been a life-long dream. Giving birth marks the realization of a significant step in a life plan that was actively pursued, sometimes through difficult courses of fertility treatment and multiple pregnancy losses.
the dream of becoming a mom
This dream of becoming a mother may have begun in early childhood. With that dream, there were naturally expectations of what it would be like to experience mothering.
The internet abounds with personal accounts and expert advice. Friends and family who became mothers first may have shared their stories. But even with all of this information, first time moms frequently spend time formulating in their own minds a plan for how they will beat the odds and become the exception. They will know better. They will not be the kind of mother who can only talk about her children. Or the kind of mother who can never be away from her children. Or the kind of mother who would stay home full-time to parent her children.
reality confronts expectation
For many women, then, the realities of life as a new mom can seem like a slap in the face, an unwelcome dose of reality. No matter how prepared in advance a new mom may try to be - or even expect to be - motherhood comes at you on the fly. No one has it all figured out. No one has all the answers. Parenting is an imperfect system because at the heart are unique human beings.
The transition to motherhood is more physically, mentally and emotionally demanding than most women imagined. It is virtually impossible to truly know what it is like to be a mother until the responsibility of that tiny bundle lies in your own arms. The baby’s needs, mom’s exhaustion and the never ending list of mind-numbing, routine tasks shake even the most successful and competent women at their core. The new mother’s sense self and concept of themselves as a mother that just days before was so clear – is suddenly much more murky.
patience helps
Nature wires women to care for their offspring. This is not consistent with the messages that women receive in adolescence and adulthood that they can “do it all” and “have it all” as much if not more than any man. After childbirth, daily goals are reduced to eating, sleeping, showering. There is often a sense of panic about no longer remembering “the person I was before.” Hormone-driven fluctuations can add to a sense of loss at this time which is presumed, widely, to be unequivocally joyous.
At this early stage of motherhood, it is critical for women to breathe and give themselves grace. Top of the list is allowing some time to recover physically and making space to take care of basic needs to the extent possible in the midst of caring for all of the baby’s needs. This includes eating well, staying hydrate - particularly if breastfeeding - and managing any personal physical recovery associated with labor and delivery.
self care helps
It can be hard to take the time for this self-care, even when the desire to reclaim even small parts of the former pre-baby self appears somewhat urgent. This sense that time is suspended and things will never be the again can set in heavily. There can be an urge to avoid looking at this too closely, covering it up instead with the never-ending tasks.
When women allow themselves to take the time in these initial weeks to focus upon taking good care of the baby and themselves, this pays back big dividends. Supportive counseling can be an element of this self care. Approaching early motherhood in this way can help new moms see more clearly exactly what type of mother they truly want to become. Because there is no one pathway or formula for “success” in motherhood. There is only the satisfaction of knowing that, as a mother, you are doing what is best for you and your baby.