For some women, becoming a mother sneaks up and enters as a second thought only after marriage or once menopause starts to loom. For many women, though, becoming a mother has been a life-long dream. Giving birth marks the realization of a significant step in a life plan that was actively pursued, sometimes through difficult courses of fertility treatment and multiple pregnancy losses.
This dream of becoming a mother may have begun in early childhood. With that dream, there were naturally expectations of what it would be like to experience mothering. For many women, though, the realities of life as a new mom can be markedly different from what was anticipated. Plenty is written about sleep deprivation and colic and the trials of breast pumping. Friends and family who became mothers first may have shared their stories.
Even with all of this information, first time moms often retain a very clear sense during pregnancy of who they are in the world and who they want to be once the baby arrives. Their anticipated sense of self is very defined. Their expected life plan is clear. They say that they will not be the kind of mother who can only talk about her children. Or the kind of mother who can never be away from her children. Or the kind of mother who would stay home full-time to parent her children.
This all seems to shift once the baby arrives. The transition to motherhood is more physically, mentally and emotionally demanding than imagined. It is virtually impossible to truly know what it is like to be a mother until the responsibility of that tiny bundle lies in your own hands. The baby’s needs, mom’s exhaustion and the never ending list of mind-numbing, routine tasks shake even the most successful and competent women at their core. The new mother’s sense self and concept of themselves as a mother that just days before was so clear – is suddenly much more murky.
Nature wires women to care for their offspring. This is not consistent with the messages that women receive in adolescence and adulthood that they can “do it all” and “have it all” as much if not more than any man. After birth, daily goals are reduced to eating, sleeping, showering. There is often a sense of panic about no longer remembering “the person I was before.” Hormone-driven fluctuations can add to a sense of loss at this time which is presumed, widely, to be unequivocally joyous.
At this early stage of motherhood, it is critical for women to breathe and give themselves grace. Some time to recover physically. Some time to take care of basic needs to the extent possible in the midst of caring for all of the baby’s needs. This includes eating well, staying hydrated (particularly if breastfeeding), and managing any personal physical recovery associated with labor and delivery.
It can be hard to take the time for this self-care - when the search for the self that was before the baby or the anticipated mother within that seemed to be so clear - appears more urgent. Women often feel like time is suspended and they will never again feel like themselves.
However, when women allow themselves to take the time in these initial weeks to focus upon taking good care of the baby and themselves, this pays back big dividends. Approaching early motherhood in this way can help new moms see more clearly exactly what type of mother they truly want to become. Because there is no one pathway or formula for “success” in motherhood. There is only the satisfaction of knowing that, as a mother, you are doing what is best for you and your baby.