It’s an unfortunate reality, but menopause is probably going to impact your marriage. Certainly menopause fundamentally changes a woman’s hormonal structure. As we all know, one of the first areas of impact is in the bedroom. If you sleep with your partner, hot flashes and night sweats will create a sensitivity to room and bed temperature that varies by the hour. Your patience with the temperature not feeling right will most likely be short. Disturbed sleep night after night tends to have that type of impact on most people. Your partner, being the only other individual there – and quite possibly one who is peacefully sleeping when you are not - will be the most likely recipient of your frustration and anger as you try in vain to get comfortable. These middle-of-the night exchanges usually do not add positively to your dynamic with your partner.
It’s downright cruel that the sleep disruption that accompanies even perimenopause often arrives just as many women, who may have delayed child bearing, are beginning to experience less nighttime responsibilities with their young children. In the moment it does not feel a bit dramatic to leap to the conclusion that you are not destined to sleep through the night ever again.
The lack of sleep at night creates a new kind of tiredness during the day. At first it may not be clear if you’re just tired or your thinking is slow or you’re starting to have trouble concentrating and remembering things. Your brain is not working like it used to. You may find yourself looking for opportunities to steal a quick nod, even if napping was never your thing. Sometimes a ten-minute cat nap on your office floor, phone alarm at your ear, can make you a new woman. Because chronic insomnia tends to reduce your capacity to cope with everyday frustrations and disruptions. You may find yourself exploding at your children or your partner. And this, also, takes a toll on your marriage.
You may be thinking, through moody, sleep-deprived haze, that your relationship is the last thing you have time to think about right now. But think again about that. Divorce rates are highest these days in the over fifty crowd. Gray divorce is the leader. We’re talking folks who have been together over twenty years calling it quits. So, there’s no time like now to start putting in the effort.
Unfortunately, there are probably no quick fixes to be had. Mother nature enjoys keeping us on our toes. Talking openly can be downright difficult if you and your partner have grown accustomed to sharing less, if at all. While counterintuitive, it’s not unusual for couples who have been together longer to have more difficulty talking about intimate matters. Add to this the reality that, at midlife, intimacy becomes a more complicated endeavor. Any difficulty that you are experiencing with communicating outside the bedroom will amplify the struggle with intimacy. More communication about the nitty gritty details – what feels good, what’s working, what needs adjustment – is necessary for things to go well. In short, there are additional layers of complexity in play at just the wrong time.
It’s no small feat to maintain good channels of communication with your partner through the daily grind of raising active children and working demanding jobs. Both partners have to reach toward the other and share vulnerably. Both partners have to actively listen to the other. Both partners have to make an effort to repair when things go awry. And it just doesn’t feel like there’s enough time when the kids are underfoot. In short, the hormonal changes of menopause challenge our most important relationships at a time when we feel the least equipped to navigate this. But what is the alternative?