We grow up watching our mothers. Sometimes we regard our mothers with admiration. We see and appreciate her efforts. But, more often, particularly as we move through our teens and into adulthood, we have an increasingly critical perspective on our mothers. She embarrasses us with the things she says, the things she wears, the way she acts. We want her to be like that other girl’s mother instead. She resists our commentary on how she could improve herself in our eyes. We push her back further from our lives. We label her opinions as outdated. We recoil from her criticisms, defending and protecting ourselves. Often we define ourselves in relationship to her, actively vowing not to be what we see in her that troubles us.
If we are lucky, once we have firmly established our identity as adults, our relationship with our mothers becomes smoother. We may still bristle now and then, but we can spend time together with our mothers at least somewhat happily. We can talk and laugh together again.
When we become mothers ourselves there’s often another period of adjustment. If there has been a period of time between leaving the nest and starting our own family, there may have been less regular contact with our mothers. Career, finding a life partner and exploring new places may have been prioritized over staying connected in this relationship.
However, once we find ourselves at home with a newborn, our families often step back into the picture more. The arrival of the new family member is celebrated. We are proud and want others – including family – to share in the joy of this moment. How this goes may take us back in time to earlier stages of life.
In the first days and weeks at home with a newborn, we may find ourselves thinking more about how we were mothered as we learn to mother. We may find ourselves once again making conscious choices to follow or abandon what we recall about our mothers – this time, about how they mothered us. We may make quiet plans for how we will handle certain moments we can anticipate in the future – and at which we feel our mothers failed us in some way.
If we are fortunate to still have our mothers healthy and with us, we may consider their presence in our lives to be a mixed blessing. Because, while our mothers may be earnestly desiring to help and support us, we may once again bristle at how this is done. We may need their help – especially if we endured a traumatic or surgical birth, or are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, but we may not want to need our mothers’ help – at least not the way she provides it. Once again, like when we were teens and young adults, we swing back and forth. There is conflict with missteps on both sides.
But it’s different, too, from when we were younger. There’s a tiny person involved now. A small bundle who cries out for attention. A little one who has stolen everyone’s hearts on sight. We’re different too. More mature, we feel. So we are flustered when emotions run high, exchanges go poorly, comments are misunderstood, and feelings get hurt.
At this moment in time when it seems like there is already so much more on the to-do list, we find ourselves needing to renegotiate our relationships with our mothers. We may need to come to terms with the mothers we actually had, as we see our mothers with their grandchild. The mothers we had may not meet our ideal – for ourselves, for our child in the role of grandparent or for our own mothering. Much like when we left the nest and first partnered, we may need to create boundaries. This time the boundaries are for our family life. A new life that we are just beginning to grasp.