When You’ve Been Unfaithful
If I had to pick the number one issue that brings clients to my office, it would be that one person in the relationship has become involved with someone else outside the relationship. Sometimes this outside connection has developed gradually over time. It’s a neighbor down the street. The parent of another child on a child’s travel soccer team. An office colleague with whom there was a little flirting one day, and then a little more another day, and then, before long, it was “a thing.” Other times, possibly as a result of boredom or frustration with confronting the same old issues, the outside relationship was actively sought through a dating app. It’s just so easy. Put up a profile and swipe; an array of enticing options awaits.
Blissful beginnings
For a while it’s all so exciting. The world seems bright and new again.
There’s a thrill to being able to arrange stolen moments with this new person who seems to be oh so different in every way from that person at home who is driving you crazy.
You are entranced with each other, delighting in learning each other in every way.
All those struggles of the past with your partner are in the rear view.
Until that day when your partner scrolls your phone, a notification pops up in the car, or a call comes in from that special person’s ex. Then, it all goes down.
painful realizations
Once the initial shock of discovery has passed, there’s a whole host of emotions in play, complicating your every day. As the person who has stepped out of the relationship, your first response may be to deny, deny, deny – even the obvious. You may wait for your partner to move on to another topic, telling yourself that your partner is the crazy one in this situation. And, indeed, your partner’s rage, tears, and verbal onslaughts may support this assessment. At this precise moment, your partner may truly seem crazy.
You may be uncertain what to do. Why stay in the turmoil when you can have the sunlight of your new love. But the untangling, that is the thing: the house, the cars, the investments, the kids. You may reconsider. You may conclude it would be smarter to stay.
If this is the case, the denial pathway is not going to help. You would be asking your partner to forget and forgive the unknown. Human nature will keep your partner clawing at the details, wanting to know the whole truth.
difficult conversations
The pathway to recovery starts with transparency to the degree and at the rate of your partner’s tolerance to absorb. I am talking, yes, about digging in and telling the story of your betrayal in full detail, leaving nothing out. Every, bloody thing. How it started. What you were thinking. What made the other person attractive to you. How things proceeded. How close you got, emotionally, to this other person. What you did together physically, if this was part of the infidelity. What you were thinking when you did not disclose to your partner what had happened. What you did to cover things up. What you were thinking in terms of the bigger picture. Whether you love or were “in love” with this other person.
The cutting of all ties with the other person is also essential if you are to have any chance of saving your relationship. You may grieve the loss of your stolen moments of sunshine. Your partner is unlikely to have any empathy for your feelings in this regard. Finding a therapist who can sit with you as you grieve may be an important component to restoring stability in your relationship. Because you will need to be transparent about this part too. I’m talking about explaining to your partner in detail what has been said or done to end things. When you last had contact with the other person, and the nature of that contact. Any efforts you have undertaken to remove the possibility of future contact by phone, email, text, social media, etc. with this other person.
Even after you have given all this detail, there will likely be questions from your partner. And sadness. And anger.
You may need to answer questions regarding things that you think you already talked about.
Your patience and capacity to listen without defending is critical.
You will need to find your way to empathy, to be truly sitting with your partner in the depths of the hurt. This is not for the faint of heart. This process will ask you to be vulnerable. And persistent. And strong.
You will need to be more accountable, more transparent, more trustworthy. You will pay dearly for those stolen moments of sunshine with the other person. But, in the end, you may eventually regain that same sunshine in your relationship with your partner.
Finding an experienced couples therapist to help manage these difficult conversations and the process towards healing is critical.