Parents often look forward with anticipation to the moment when they drop their child off at college. For many, it’s part of the American dream, right up there with owning a home and holding down a good job that supports the family. While the college drop-off is not how every child launches into adulthood, the reality is that one way or another the goal is for the kids to move forward independently and create their own lives. For parents, this eventually translates into what has been called “the empty nest.”
The road to arrive here at the “child-free” state may have been bumpy. The college application process can be stressful for high achieving students who have their hearts set on attending an elite group of colleges and universities. The days and weeks of waiting for answers can impact everyone in the family. If the outcome meets expectations, all is well in the world. But if there is disappointment in the form of wait lists and rejections, the drama of it all continues on until, at some point, there is some acceptance of the reality that is. After finally dropping their child off at the chosen school, parents may arrive back home to the empty home feeling a host of emotions that include relief, exhaustion, concern and anticipation.
But now what? In the years leading up to this moment it might have seemed like the world would open up. Freed from carpools and travel teams and SAT prep and friend drama and phone fights and homework assignments - life would be blessed. But the house is eerily quiet. Your child’s room may show the remnants of the exit. There may be a few items first considered and then left behind on the floor. But mostly everything is just so still.
You may react differently from your partner. One person may be ready to hit the town, go out to dinner, have a few drinks and bask in not having to be home to be accountable to anyone for any reason. Another may be feeling the emotional weight of the end of the child rearing years. Sadness and tears may be the primary emotions for this partner.
In the ensuing days, there is often an effort to adjust to the new normal. Getting up and going to work. Walking the dog. Making dinner. Sharing the tale of the drop-off with neighbors and friends. Smiling and agreeing that this experience is going wonderful indeed. And then, back to the empty house. The house that once brimmed with activity is so quiet.
But then what? The question “what’s next?” may become a frequent companion. While there are often still some responsibilities in the larger picture for the adult child - like possibly paying for unexpected car repairs or airplane tickets - on a daily basis so much less is required or defined. For the first time in a while there may be an opportunity to make personal choices about how to spend free time and with whom to socialize. It may be possible to have a stolen weekend with your partner without having to plan around the kids. There is luxury in what was only dreamt of in the past: the ability to sit still, take a nap or even read a book. That is truly lovely.
Somewhere in these first days and weeks, exhaustion often hits. There were so many years of putting personal needs aside and running in five different directions at the same time, trying to balance work and family. It’s ok to just start there - with getting more rest. Going to bed when you want to, not when everyone’s home. Staying home and doing nothing all weekend can be refreshing after years of weekends with to do lists and too many “have-tos.” Taking time can often get creative juices flowing again, and may help you figure out that other question: “what’s next?”