Parenting Coordination
Are You Having Difficulty Co-Parenting With Your Ex?
Perhaps you thought you agreed upon a Parenting Plan with your Ex that outlined how you were going to co-parent once you were separated. Possibly there were terms pertaining to co-parenting incorporated into your Marital Settlement Agreement. Maybe you went the pathway of “let’s let the Judge decide,” and you have a Court Order that defines the custody arrangement and prescribes some other basic things like exchange times and locations. Or you have recently gone back to Court to modify your original Agreement or Order.
But, even with all these important papers in hand, and after spending countless hours with attorneys, you are still struggling to co-parent effectively with your Ex.
The Parenting Plan, Agreement or Court Order may actually limit how you can communicate with your co-parent. The mere thought of calling, emailing or talking to your co-parent may fill you with dread. After all, you separated because you weren’t getting along, or had different perspectives on life, or a different parenting style. Now you are trying to manage all the same parenting dilemmas in two separate households. You are trying to find some way to muddle through, be on the same page to some degree, and get through the day.
Unfortunately, even carefully crafted Parenting Plans cannot account for all the things that come up as children grow. Just when you are starting to get some rhythm going with the new parenting time schedule, the piano recital and school play are on the horizon. It may be necessary, at least initially, to have actual conversations about how to navigate these types of situations so that the children can still have their experience. The selection of summer camps and extracurricular activities, as well as the coordination of transportation needs and any ensuing adjustments to the parenting time schedule often has to be revisited several times a year. Vacation dates and schedules can bring additional challenges to the agreed upon parenting time schedule.
Co-parenting is the New “Normal”
In the past, when parents separated or divorced, quite commonly the children lived primary with one parent - often the biological mother. The other parent often had very limited parenting time. Every other weekend, a weekday dinner or overnight, and two non-consecutive weeks in the summer was a common access schedule. All of this coordination with the other parents just wasn’t that necessary.
Over the past ten years, there has been a movement towards shared parenting time schedules in which both parents spend approximately fifty percent time with the children. There are more transitions and more opportunities for conflict. This, in turn, has created a greater need for many separated or divorced parents to learn how to effectively co-parent.
Frequently your Court Order, Agreement or Parenting Plan includes at least a recommendation, if not a requirement, of some parenting coordination. In these co-parenting meetings often some time has to be devoted to discussing, and hopefully resolving by agreement, any disputes between you and the other parent about how particular provisions contained in the Court Order, Agreement or Parenting Plan should be applied practically in daily life.
Parenting Coordination Reduces Conflict
In the beginning, there may be more active mediation of the conversations between you and your Ex. However, you - as the co-parents - will always be making any decisions together that are necessary unless there is a term in the Parenting Plan, Agreement or Court Order which specifically accords decision-making authority to your parenting coordinator.
Even when both parents are truly wanting to work together to raise the children, learning to co-parent is often a process that develops, and hopefully improves, over time. During co-parenting counseling, the focus is upon present issues and concerns with an eye towards the future. In general, past situations or events become relevant only to the extent that these moments inform a current concern or problem. For example, we may discuss current education options, with consideration given to any special needs or talents that the children may have. Discussion about prior decisions, including any disagreements between you and the other parent, would be part of our conversations only if there is a prior experience in attempting to address the child’s need or talent, that was not fruitful.
In parenting coordination meetings, identifying and finding ways to modify patterns of behavior that interfere with effective co-parenting can be a top of discussion. Anticipating and attempting to reduce opportunities for future conflict is desirable. In order achieve this goal, it may also be important to address in a timely manner any possible impediments to effective communication that may arise. Resources that would be beneficial to either or both co-parents, or the children, may be identified. These resources may include anger management classes, parenting classes, substance abuse assessments, psycho-educational testing, meetings with school administrators, or psychotherapy.
Parenting coordination can help you maintain a positive working relationship with your co-parent. Initially, there may be a number of details to work through to facilitate your separate lives, in two homes, with children in common. But ultimately the goal of parenting coordination is for you and your co-parent to have developed sufficient skills to require only intermittent - if any - ongoing need for assistance.
Common Questions About Parenting Coordination:
Is This Really Worth All This Effort?
Yes. Learning to be an effective co-parent will absolutely challenge you. However, your children will be watching you and your co-parent as you learn to work together. You will be modeling for your children conflict management and problem-solving skills.
Am I Going To Have to Talk About My Feelings?
The goal of parenting coordination is to reduce conflict and improve communication for the benefit of the children. Emotional responses will not be the focus of attention but may creep into our meetings especially following protracted litigation or if one co-parenting has pending litigation against the other. We will take breaks in our meetings as needed so that composure can be regained and both co-parents can have the opportunity to participate productively.
Interested in Learning More?
My educational background and my prior work experience in the family court arena enables me to provide unique support to co-parents in the role of parenting coordinator. I can help you to work together to give your children the best opportunities possible for their future. Give me a call.
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