Winter’s Darkness and Divorce
It’s no secret that separation and divorce are some of the most difficult life events that we can experience in our lifetimes. In this moment, your “chosen one” – that one special person with whom you once staked your entire future – becomes a virtual stranger. This version of your “special person” often bears little resemblance to the person you thought you chose as your life partner. This new model literally walks off into the sunset to start a new life without you – quite possibly without your approval or support.
alone in your new life
A sense of isolation and loneliness can become a frequent companion in the wake of a separation. At first the emotional overwhelm and the need to manage all the pieces may require more time spent alone. There’s often a lot to do, such as organizing papers for the lawyers, moving residences, and tracking finances in a different way.
As the days and weeks pass, shame, low self-esteem and depression may keep you home by yourself. Other people may seem to be happily moving on with their lives and you may be feeling left behind. Even for those partners who feel joy in finally taking the life-altering step to leave a life partner, in the months that follow there are often some difficult moments. Making a new life, without that other person who had been a faithful companion, is often not as easy as it had seemed it would be.
depression can creep in
Some experience of low mood or depression is readily acknowledged in our popular culture as a common emotional response to ending any relationship. Certainly there a wide range of artists singing about this experience of lost love. There are entire books, plays and podcasts devoted to talking about the broken heart and providing advice on how to heal and move on from this difficult life moment shared by nearly all adults.
In the dark and frigid winter months, the sadness and grief that accompanies separation and divorce can feel particularly unwelcome. The winter storms that come and go tend to make all of us more homebound, so there is a built-in excuse not to stretch for social support. It’s all too easy to assume that no one really wants to hear your sad story again, and to instead hunker down with Netflix, waiting for longer days of sunshine in the spring.
push back
During the winter season when you separation and divorce are fresh, it may really benefit you to make a point of getting out into the sunshine a bit more. Vitamin D from the sun’s rays lifts our spirits more than we realize, even if we’re not actively going after it. If you tend towards seasonal affective disorder even in the best of times, you may be more likely to experience symptoms in the first few seasons on your own. You may want to consider investing in a light therapy box or even taking an antidepressant on a short term basis. Talking regularly to a divorce counselor an also lend invaluable support in this literal and metaphorical season of darkness.
Stretching yourself to have some contact with someone else in your social world is also important. As humans, we flourish in community. Even an introvert needs some form of social connection. Studies have demonstrated that a truly reclusive lifestyle is associated with higher than average levels of mental and physical illness. Simply put, we need other people.
So even if you are feeling that you’re not the best company at the moment, make an effort to reach out and get out. There’s no need to sit alone in the cold even in the midst of separation and divorce.