Anger and Divorce
If you are going through a separation or divorce and those two words have no connection, you are an exception. Some people claim to have separated civilly and never exchanged an angry word with their Ex in the process. But these instances are the exception, not the rule.
Anger is common
Maybe your relationship ended with a wimper. You may even consider yourself a go-with-the-flow kind of person most of the time. You may have prided yourself on how “well” you were handing this difficult moment. At least, that was “the you” of the past.
Now, post separation, you may notice that you are a raging geyser. A person that you do not understand or recognize. The things that come out of your mouth are astounding, even to you. Your fury is manifest with slurs and put downs and every four-letter word you can muster. You may have broken glasses or punched walls as you screamed and yelled at your former partner in the final days in months. The intense anger of divorce is like no other.
If your anger rapidly escalated after the separation, you are in good company. This seems counter-intuitive, since you are no longer together with your Ex. And yet, it seems, every time you receive a text, an email, or a voice mail - or heaven forbid you have to go to Court - there is anger. It adds to stress in every interaction with your former partner - who is also flaming with rage. Unleashing your anger may feel good in the moment at least some of the time. Other times, even if you feel justified as to the basis for your blow up, you may later regret your seeming lack of self-control if there are unintended consequences. Working with a skilled mental health professional to process your feelings of rage and fine individualized strategies for releasing your anger can lend invaluable support in the divorce process.
anger management is essential
Getting a grip on your anger is critical to your recovery, especially if you are engaged in a custody battle. The grief that parents experience in not seeing their children every day fuels many high conflict divorces; it is just so very hard not to be able to be there for all those little moments - maybe even ones that you complained about before. The silence of your house without the kids is deafening. The legal system will pit you against your former partner as “the opposition.” This is potentially a bloody, very expensive and seemingly never-ending war. And your anger will fuel the combat if you let it.
Apart from the expense and prolonged conflict, the collateral damage to expressing your rage through the legal system is the children. An inability to lay your sword down and think clearly for the children’s well-being and best interest, rather than out of spite or in vengeance against your former partner, compounds your suffering. This path will not help you heal and move on to a new life, with maybe a new love.
Anger Can Be Helpful
When properly managed, your anger can be an important counterbalance to the heavy sadness and despair of divorce. Your anger can be a wellspring of energy that you otherwise would lack. For these reasons, denying or attempting to squelch your anger is not the goal. Experiencing rage productively and channeling it into arenas where there is less possibility for a negative repercussion is what you want to shoot for.
Some simple ways of releasing anger verbally might be the proverbial screaming into a pillow, yelling when you are alone in the car with the windows up, or furiously typing into an e-journal. Bowling by yourself, running long distances with fervor, and hitting a bag of tennis balls may help you to release your anger kinetically. Centering techniques such as allowing yourself breaks during difficult conversations, deep breathing and mindfulness techniques may be easier to attempt if you have already released some of your fury in other ways. Eventually you should be able to identify your triggers even before the screaming and yelling starts. But be patient with yourself. For many people, that may take a while.