Finding Your Own Path
We enter motherhood at various times and in various ways. But for many of us, we have followed a path with others until this moment. We went through years of formal schooling with classmates. We rode school buses, sat in rows, and lunched together. We progressed as a cohort – year by year, grade by grade. Some move from high school to a job. There are companions on the buses and trains that form the daily commute, and still other companions who train us in our new adult roles. For some women, motherhood comes along quickly in these early young adult days. The gap between what it seemed like motherhood was, and what it is, may be particularly jarring, since there has barely been time to adjust to being an independent adult person. Feeling left behind classmates who immediately moved out into the world may compound an unanticipated sense of overwhelm.
Another group of us continue on to higher education. More classrooms, teachers, grading rubrics and deadlines. Gradually we find our like-minded tribe of friends and peers who see the world in a similar way or who are studying similar subject areas. We support each other through deadlines, move-ins, move-outs. And then, we too, join the tribe known as “the work force.” We sit in Beltway traffic. We type away in our cubicles. We stand with the masses on the street corners at 5 pm. All along the way our peers are right there with us. We see them every day. We walk and talk together, We struggle and learn together.
the solitary path of motherhood
When we become mothers, it is often a shock to realize how solitary the days can be. Suddenly there is no clearly defined pathway to trod with others. If we are lucky, we have friends and family members who are entering this stage of life with us. But, despite this seeming presence of “colleagues,” it can be somewhat alarming to realize that the daily path of mothering is still usually one that we walk alone.
No one else has quite the same set of circumstances. Their living situation may be different. Their relationship with the father of the child may be different. Their work situation may be different. And, perhaps most importantly – their baby, for sure, IS different. Each baby has his own quirks and moods and needs. While we know this intellectually, we learn it in real time, real fast in those early days. Before we know it, we are in a different place entirely from our friend, our neighbor, our cousin, our sister. This can be disorienting since we have been conditioned, for years and years prior, to follow along pathways together with our classmates and co-workers.
gaining confidence alone
It takes confidence and self-worth to find our footing as new mothers. We are so accustomed to having the path laid out before us, ready to be followed. We have to find our own way of doing things that works for our own baby, our own work schedule, our own relationship. There’s an abundance of books and blogs and article to advise us. In the beginning, we may look anxiously towards these voices, looking for reassurance that our choices are “right” and affirmation that we are “good” mothers.
It may help to remind ourselves that this motherhood gig is a marathon, not a sprint. There’s no prize for getting to the “finish line” first. Each mother and baby dyad has its own path to trod, with it’s own time frame, and its own destiny. Finding our own path and sticking with it despite the chorus of voices around us may be one of motherhood’s biggest challenges. Supportive therapy may help you get started in the early days of this new life path.