Domestic Violence and Divorce
On average, an incident of domestic violence occurs every minute in the United States. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines domestic violence as “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systemic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. This includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats and emotional/psychological abuse.”
It’s Not Always How It Seems
Many of us think we would recognize the signs of domestic violence in a friend, relative or neighbor. Images of a blackened eye or a swollen lip may come to mind. And indeed, these physical wounds are more blatant evidence of the damaging patterns underlying a relationship in which domestic violence is occurring.
But it’s not always that simple.
When domestic violence is more psychological, it can be downright difficult to see what is going on even if you are having frequent contact with the victim. The term “psychological abuse” encompasses “verbal abuse, acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics.”
Some examples of how psychological abuse may be manifest include: humiliating or degrading the victim privately or in public, controlling what the victim is able to do, withholding information from the victim, isolating the victim from family and friends, and undermining the victim’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
emerging awareness of coercive control
More recently, “Coercive Control” has emerged as a term to describe the unseen pattern of psychological abuse experienced by victims under some of the most damaging and destructive circumstances. Evan Stark, a forensic social worker and Professor Emeritus at Rutgers University, has been credited with calling attention to this particular subset of instances in which there is “a pattern of controlling behaviors over time more akin to terrorism and stalking.”
According to Stark, over 90 percent of domestic violence incidents do not result in a physical injury. In fact, Stark says, just looking at many incidents that meet the criteria for domestic violence, it would appear that nothing that significant occurred, from either a medical or criminal justice standpoint. However, Stark maintains that in over 60 percent of these situations, there is a more insidious and extended underlying pattern of “intimidation, isolation and control.” Stark notes that the irony is that, in these situations of coercive control, a formerly “safe” place – the home – becomes a place of imprisonment and entrapment.
understanding the wider impact
Divorce matters involving allegations and/or findings of domestic violence present unique challenges for family law professionals. Usually these cases are screened out from court-ordered mediation. This is because, in order for parties to mediate, they need to be able to be together in the same space and share equal power in a productive decision-making. By definition, the unequal power in a relationship marked by domestic violence makes mediation impossible.
This sort of blanket loss of an important resource in the process closes the door on one time and cost-effective way to potentially resolve contentious family law matters. The costs of litigation weigh heavily upon many families if counsel is retained, and sometimes parties are forced to litigate without representation due to lack of sufficient financial resources.
The presence of allegation or findings of domestic violence also complicates child custody arrangements in the family courts. The additional resources needed to manage safety adds to the costs of the divorce process. If both parents are allowed parenting time, it can be very difficult for a victim, who left an abusive relationship, to accept. Exchanges can become problematic and often need to occur in neutral locations. Sometimes the Court will order supervised access pending completion of conditions such as anger management classes or reunification therapy.
It’s critical to manage the emotional context when there are allegations or findings of domestic violence. Divorce counseling becomes a necessity, not a nicety in order to heal from the past and move forward into the future.